Published April 15th, 2012 · www.rumpus.net. filed under rumpus original
If a man touches your tetas you will lose control and then lose everything.
Touch your cookie only to clean it. And do not clean it for too long.
Never talk to a man who has a tattoo.
Marry a Jewish boy.
Marry a professional Jewish boy.
If you use tampons you will lose your virginity.
If you wash your hair on the first day of your period you will be infertile.
If you want a baby girl, have an orgasm before your husband. If you want a boy, do not have an orgasm.
Give birth without drugs, that way you can have a big meal right after you give birth and you won’t feel sick to your stomach.
Do not scream in labor. Be a lady.
Do not leave your children with anyone except family.
Do not bring up your children to be gringos.
Do not paint your toenails red. Only chusma girls have red toenails.
Chusma girls also wear ankle bracelets and snap their gum.
Wear high heels—they make your legs look prettier.
Never wear sneakers.
Wear slippers with a heel at home. Your husband will like that.
Grow your hair long. Brush your hair a lot so that you don’t have bolones.
Wax your eyebrows every two weeks.
Swing your culo slightly when you walk down the street so that you are appealing yet still a lady.
Do not wear sleeveless shirts. Chusmas wear sleeveless shirts.
Do not knot your shirt so your bariga shows. Only chusmas show their barigas.
Pray that your husband has a long life.
Do not marry again when you’re old. You do not want to get stuck taking care of some old man you hardly know.
Pray that your children will take care of you.
Fast on Mondays and Thursdays if you want your wishes to come true. The gates of heaven are open on those days because the Torah is read in the Call.
Do not mix meat with milk.
Do not eat puerco and do not eat like a puerca.
Watch your weight. Men do not like gordas.
Get an education. You may need it if your husband turns out to be like your father who doesn’t make enough money and then you have to go to work.
Open your own checking account.
Make sure the department store credit cards are in your name only.
Make sure the house is also in your name.
Give your children everything.
Save something for yourself and don’t tell anyone.
*A Juban is a person who is both Jewish and Cuban
Judy Bolton-Fasman is writing a family memoir called 1735 ASYLUM AVENUE. (It’s the address of the house in which she grew up. Really). Judy is an award-winning columnist on family