Some Advice Upon Your Graduation

  1. You will always be the correct weight.
  2. Don’t fill out questionnaires anonymously.
  3. Someone once told me that boys are like buses. You miss one and another one eventually comes along. Don’t think about anyone that way.
  4. To be discerning is not the same as being judgmental.
  5. Study with empathy. Otherwise you learn nothing.
  6. Love your children more than anyone, including your parents.
  7. Some fool down the line will tell you that you are not the prettiest in the room. Trust me you will always be the most beautiful in the world.
  8. When you are scared, remember that you are most afraid of being afraid.
  9. Don’t be afraid of passion. It’s the electricity of the soul.
  10. Don’t listen to someone who tells you to get over it. You will get over it in your own way and your own time.
  11. Think three-dimensionally: no one is completely heroic or totally villainous.
  12. Picasso said I never paint red—I paint the suggestion of red. Remember that when you’re solving a particularly thorny problem.
  13. If a sign says that a parking lot is full, move the cone anyway and go in. I promise you there will always be a space.
  14. When you are very upset talk to God. Out loud. You’ll get over the initial awkwardness.
  15. Remember that a coincidence is a miracle in which G-d chooses to remain anonymous.
  16. Don’t be frivolous with money. But don’t be afraid to spend it either.
  17. Work hard.
  18. Work steadily.
  19. Have fun.
  20. Don’t worry if you’re not having fun. It’ll pass.
  21. When you feel stuck or frightened, dance.
  22. Don’t regret falling in love. There’s a piece of Jewish wisdom that says there is nothing more whole than a broken heart.
  23. I’ll end with one of my father’s favorite sayings: God made the world, but the Dutch made Holland. I have to admit that baffled me as a child, but I think I get it now. Give God something to work with by shaping your destiny because in the end it’s all about free will, kiddo.



Cuba Without the Castros

Cuba, the forbidden country, the tropical country, has been painted in drab olive green my entire life. By the time I was born on the second to the last day in 1960, nothing would stop Fidel Castro from marching into Havana on New Year’s Day in 1961. Despite his promises, Fidel was about to turn the island into “un carmín encendido,” the fiery crimson red of communism. “Un carmín encendido,” the verses of the poet are on fire. So say the lyrics of Guantanamera, the de facto anthem of exiled Cubans. My mother sang that song of Cuban longing during dreary Connecticut winter afternoons. She sang it in the evening over a sink full of dishes. She sang it at glittering noisy parties that she threw with her fellow Cuban exiles. On those Saturday nights, our living room expanded and reached back to Havana.

When we visited our relatives in Miami’s dense summer humidity, my mother was even more homesick for the tropics. I was sure Miami Beach looked like Havana. The palm trees, the pastel colors, the sun a globe of fire suspended in the sky. Encendido. Everything was on fire in Miami. And I was homesick too—homesick for a place I had never been. I recently learned there is a German word for what I felt. Fernweh. Homesickness for a place to which one has never been. It explains the weirdness, the disorientation that marked up my childhood. Other kids had Narnia or Never Never Land. I had Havana, imaginary, magical Havana.


Calle Merced #20

In Miami my fernweh intensified. At night my Cuban relatives adjusted radios and televisions to pick up random airwaves from Cuba. Fidel speechified almost every night, and he went on for hours without taking a breath. He gripped my relatives. In Spanish, the word grippe means flu or a fierce cold that won’t let go of you. Grippe means the same thing in German. Perhaps the Germans can also share the word fernweh with my Cubanos.

My mother taught me that Fidel was not synonymous with Cuba. But neither was he an aberration. He cleaned up what had been the mob’s playground for decades. He wiped out illiteracy. He gave people healthcare. Sinvergüenza, my mother yelled. The word literally means someone who has no shame. You might say I was a scoundrel in my father’s native Connecticut. You might say, that my socialismo was nothing more than a teenage rebellion. A first-generation post-Havana Cubana like me rebelled by wielding scathing politics. My mother said that my politics infected me like la grippe.

By the time I went to Cuba, Fidel had just stepped down and Raul was in charge. Things had loosened up a bit. There was a small free market, but it could not compete with the black market. There were private restaurants called paladares. Qué rico was the arroz con pollo—the rice and chicken was plentiful, delicious. All the Cubans had to eat in abundance were pasteles—pastries—after all, that sugar had to be used. Speaking of sugar, here is curse a first-generation Cubanita like me heard growing up—I should send you to Cuba to cut sugar cane, you malcriada. Americans were brats. The only thing I knew about sugar cane was that it slashed the skin like a machete.

Even after I saw Havana, saw my mother’s apartment, saw the imposing El Capitolio, I still had fernweh. I have it all over again when I sit with my mother in her nursing home. “Did you hear,” she whispers to me as if it is a state secret, “Raul se va—he’s going. No more Castros in charge.” I can’t tell if she’s happy about that. Change, even if she has been dreaming about it for half-a-century, is hard for her. For Cuba little will shift under the new president, Miguel Díaz-Canel Bermúdez. Since my mother has been wheelchair-bound, she’s an avid television news watcher. “This new guy is the same, Mamita,” she tells me. She may be right. Díaz-Canel, who is 57 like me, has been a communist party stalwart his entire adult life. According to my mother, “He’s been Raul’s compañero—his companion, his buddy, for a long time.

Almost 60 years into La Revolución, Havana has remained beautiful like my mother, but it is also increasingly disheveled like her. The buildings are crumbling like her voice—the voice that hummed Guantanamera all the livelong day. Our guide told us that a gallon of paint costs a fortune. Se cuesta. It costs. That’s one of the many reflexive verbs that excuses one from any responsibility. Se rompió. Another reflexive verb in which things break spontaneously. Havana felt that way to me. Se rompió. It had simply broken. No one could fix it.

Fidel and Raul were reflexive too. Their Cuba was the only Cuba I knew. Taunting Kennedy, hiding missiles, dancing the rumba with Khrushchev. The Cuba of my childhood was about hunger, hard labor, old cars and the ocean breezes my mother craved like a drug. Cuba was that place intensively loved and more intensively missed. Hay Cuba como te extraño. Oh Cuba how I miss you.

Cuba is the ground zero of fernweh. No matter that the Castros are no longer in charge for the first time in my life. Fidel’s olive drab ghost will haunt the place forever. “Believe me, Mamita,” my mother says, “nothing changes in Cuba.”

This essay originally appeared on WBUR’s Cognoscenti  


Ruth’s Cup–A New Addition to the Seder

Cmky-Goblet-Wine-Glasses-Rose-Red-1988845-729x486.jpgThis Passover there is a new ritual to adopt at the Seder—Ruth’s Cup. The brainchild of Rabbi Heidi Hoover, the presence of Ruth’s Cup at the table honors converts to Judaism as well as Jewish diversity generally.

I am a Sephardic Jew and Ruth’s Cup will have a special place at my Seder. My mother is from Cuba and throughout my childhood I remember people—Jews at my day school or my temple—were amazed that there were Cuban Jews and even more amazed that some of them did not speak Yiddish.

My mother and grandmother spoke Ladino, a 15th century Spanish studded with Hebrew, Arabic and Turkish words. My mother told me stories of fellow Jews doubting her Judaism when she first came to this country. The idea of a Jew with forebears who came from Turkey and Greece and traced their lineage to the Spain of Maimonides and Yehuda Halevi was at best fantastical to some and at worst disingenuous to others.

Hoover, who is a convert to Judaism, recently told JewishBoston that the presence of Ruth’s Cup at the Seder highlights the magnificent diversity of the Jewish people. “In this country we don’t always recognize the diversity of the Jewish people. Jews of color frequently encounter people who express doubt about their Jewishness or assume that they are converts. Not all Jews conform to the Ashkenazic stereotype of the white Eastern European Jew with Yiddish speaking ancestors,” noted Hoover.

She went on to add this caveat: “There is nothing wrong with being a convert, but we should not assume that because someone isn’t a white presenting Jew they must have converted; it isn’t so. People who convert to Judaism frequently have experiences that make it clear that many of those born Jewish think converts are inferior in some way.”

Diane Kaufmann Tobin, founder and executive director of Be’chol Lashon—an organization that describes itself as advocating for the growth and diversity of the Jewish people, told JewishBoston over email that, “Adding Ruth’s Cup to a Seder reminds us that since ancient times the Jewish community has welcomed those who have chosen to be Jewish. The dedication of those who actively choose Judaism is inspiring and offers opportunities for growth and renewal.”

Embracing Ruth’s spirit at the Seder is also a lovely way to segue to the Shavuot holiday, which is celebrated seven weeks after Passover. Rabbi Susan Silverman says that there is a “palpable yearning” to Ruth the Moabites’s words to her Israelite mother-in-law Naomi. “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God, my God.” (Ruth 1:16) Silverman proclaims that Ruth’s words are “the first recorded statement of conversion to Judaism.”

For Hoover, Ruth’s Cup also calls to mind the image of all Jews standing together at Sinai and “recognizing who will be there and realizing that it’s all of us.” Hoover says the cup conveys the tenet that, “we fully recognize every Jew regardless of race, ethnicity or how they became Jewish as completely Jewish. We need to shift assumptions in this country about where Jews come from or how they became Jews.”

During the Seder, Ruth’s Cup is often coupled with Elijah’s Cup. But whereas Elijah’s Cup brings to mind the messianic age, Hoover says that Ruth’s Cup communicates that we are meant to try and “perfect things in the here and now. We can treat Jews better who look different or became Jewish differently before Elijah comes.” As far as the timing of Ruth’s Cup in the Seder, Hoover emphasizes that it can be added after Elijah’s Cup or anytime in the Seder.

The following ceremony is adapted from an unpublished Haggadah Hoover edited to honor the experiences of Jews By Choice.


At Passover we fill a cup with wine for Elijah and open the door to welcome him to our Seder. Elijah symbolizes our hope for the Messianic age, when the world will be perfected, and all people will live in harmony and peace.

We also fill a cup of wine for Ruth, the first Jew by choice and great-grandmother of King David. We open the door to signify our welcome of Ruth and all who follow in her footsteps—those who become part of our people, part of our diversity.

All rise, face the open door, and read together:

We declare that we do not have to wait for the Messianic age to make sure that every Jew feels fully comfortable and integrated into our people, no matter what their skin, hair or eye color is; no matter what their name sounds like; no matter how they became Jewish—through birth or through conversion, as a child or as an adult.

Close the door and be seated.

A version of this article was posted on

A New Documentary Tells the Story of Ankara’s Jews

The opening shot of “Hermana: The Untold Story of Ankara’s Jewish Community” — an award-winning film from Turkey — is an aerial view of what director Enver Arcak calls the “Albukrek House.” “Hermana” is a 28-minute documentary that concisely relates the rich history of Ankara’s Sephardic Jewish population.

My interest in the film is personal. My grandfather, Jacobo Alboukrek, (the “o” was added to the name when he immigrated to Cuba) was born and raised in Ankara until he became a bar mitzvah. His story in Turkey is a mix of Jewish history and family lore. He used to recount that his family fled to Havana after he witnessed a Turkish soldier murder an Armenian man circa 1918. My grandfather said his father reasoned that if the Armenians were being killed, the Jews were next. Soon after that my Albukrek family was on a ship heading west. Happenstance had it that it was going to Cuba, all the better for the Albukreks who spoke Ladino and could easily pick up modern Spanish.

I tell my grandfather’s story to Arcak who says it’s plausible, but points out that at the time there was virtually no anti-Semitism in Turkey. He tells me that the history of the Jewish community of Ankara can be traced back to the Roman times. Jews back then, he says were called Romaniots, who lived in Ankara and other parts of central Turkey. Centuries later, thousands of Sephardic Jews arrived in Turkey after their expulsion from Spain in 1492. Others, like my grandfather’s family, came a few generations later from Portugal and the Netherlands.

Ankara’s Jewish story is also one that is reflected in its stark numbers. In the 1930s the community peaked at about 5000. Arcak says that today that number is fewer than 30 people, and most of them are not native to Ankara. Their ranks include diplomats and UN officials. Arcak, who is not Jewish, was born and raised in Ankara. He is an historian of archeology who dedicated himself to documenting this disappearing remnant community. “I started researching ‘Hermana’ seven years ago, following the immigration of Ankara’s Jews to the United States, Israel and Istanbul. I interviewed hundreds of people to compile an oral history and a visual archive of letters, diaries and religious papers. It’s a deep subject and this documentary is the result of putting all those things together.”


Arcak says the community began to dwindle noticeably in 1942 after the Turkish government placed a wealth tax on its Jews, Armenians and Greeks. The fee was exorbitant and few people, including Jewish communities throughout Turkey, could afford to pay it. Caught in an economic boondoggle, Arcak says that after the Second World War many Turkish Jews went to the new State of Israel. Turkey was neutral during the Second World War and the community was saved from the Nazis.

Arcak’s sepia-tinged history picks up again in the 1960s and 70s. By then Ankara’s Jewish population barely numbered 600 Jews. Nevertheless, “Hermana” shows it to be a lively community in words and pictures—a community which celebrated milestones and made sure to educate its youth in Judaism. However, by 1968 the number of Jews had steadily declined. According to Arcak, Ankara’s last rabbi immigrated to Israel in the 1980s. He says that in the wake of a military coup in 1980, the community sent most of its Torah scrolls to Israel for safekeeping. According to Turkish Jews in Israel those scrolls went missing and have never been recovered.

Arcak interviewed over 50 Jews from Ankara for the documentary, most of whom have relocated to Israel. There are also the recollections of Jews who live in Istanbul. Istanbul, the largest Jewish community in Turkey, is estimated to be upwards of 17,000 people. Just over a thousand Jews live in Izmir. But Arcak says those communities are also shrinking. The failed coup of 2016 sent more Jews packing to Israel. Of those who remained, many obtained Spanish and Portuguese citizenship after those countries passed legislation offering citizenship to the descendants of Jews who were expelled during the Inquisition.

As for my personal quest to find the Albukreks of Ankara, Arcak says that there is a member of the Albukrek family who still lives in Ankara who has been assembling a family tree. I’m anxious to see if Jacobo and his forebears are on it.

A version of this article appeared on

Barbie Gets Another Makeover is back totally retooled and just in time to commemorate International Women’s Day on March 8. And this time she’s based on real life “sheroes”—a portmanteau of the words “she “and “hero” that refers to positive female role models—who include Amelia Earhart, Frida Kahlo and Katherine Johnson. Johnson was portrayed in the movie “Hidden Figures.” This makes the ever chameleon-like Barbie the first woman aviator to cross the Atlantic Ocean, a famous artist and activist and a mathematician who smashed gender and race barriers to work on sending the first United States manned flight into space.

The dolls will come with educational materials documenting the contributions that each of these women has made to the world. Johnson had major input in creating and designing her doll, ensuring that the resemblance was based on her real appearance.

By the time Barbie’s maker Mattel is done rolling out the entire series, 17 women will be honored. Little girls and boys will meet Chloe Kim who won an Olympic gold medal in snowboarding this year, British Boxing Champion Nicola Adams and Patty Jenkins, director of “Wonder Woman.” These Barbies are no longer my sister’s or my Barbie dolls. They’re not even my 23-year-old daughter’s Barbie dolls—dolls who had just begun to venture into the world as a doctor, an astronaut and a presidential candidate. Although 45 different nationalities claimed Barbie as their own, she was still the doll with the impossible measurements and the stiff rosy-lipped saccharine smile.

These new Barbie dolls are the happy result of a survey Mattel conducted of 8,000 mothers from around the world. It showed that 86 percent of these women worried that their daughters were not exposed to appropriate role models. Here is where I would like to point out that our sons should be exposed to those same role models. Barbie is not just for our daughters. She’s iconic, and her transformation has broken down gender stereotypes that must be equally impressed upon on our boys.

In the last three years, Barbie has undergone a sea change in both appearance and relevance. In 2015 Mattel introduced 23 new dolls with different skin tones, hairstyles and clothing. Most notably, Barbie had flat feet for the first time in half a century. She no longer had those pointy feet that could only fit into uncomfortable high heels. Barbie was going places.

In 2016, Barbie gained weight. She was now available in three new body types. She no longer had a cinched waist, a large chest or stick thin legs. Barbie was beginning to look like a real woman.

In 2017, Barbie donned a hijab. She was based on the Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. The 31-year-old athlete was the first Muslim-American to win a medal at the 2016 Summer Olympic games. She was also the first American woman to wear a scarf while competing. Muhammad tweeted her thanks to Mattel and said, “I’m proud to know that little girls everywhere can now play with a Barbie who chooses to wear a hijab! This is a childhood dream come true.”

As excited as I am about the new Sheroes series, my first brush with this kind of Barbie occurred in the early 2000s, when she wore a pair of tefillin and a tallit or prayer shawl. She was dubbed “Tefillin Barbie” and I loved her. So did my daughter who was attending a Jewish Day School at the time. Mattel, however, did not manufacture Tefillin Barbie. She was the one-of-a-kind creation of Jen Taylor Friedman, a soferet or female scribe who writes Jewish holy texts by hand. It was so thrilling to see Barbie exemplify that there were no limits placed on how a woman practiced her Judaism.

A recent statement from Lisa McKnight a senior vice president at Mattel and the general manager of Barbie resonates for me. My only critique of it is that it once again bypasses the boys. “Girls have always been able to play out different roles and careers with Barbie,” said McKnight. “And we are thrilled to shine a light on real life role models to remind them that they can be anything.”

Amen to that and to the highest honor that Barbie now confers—a unique doll that resembles a real woman.

My Dad and Beetle Bailey

Every Sunday morning of my childhood my otherwise reserved father guffawed in the den over Mort Walker’s long-running comic strip, “Beetle Bailey.” Walker died last month at the age of 94. He and my father were contemporaries who seemed to me very much men of the 20th century. Like Walker, my father served in the Second World War. For both men, the experience defined who they became. Walker, however, had a bizarre war experience in which he guarded a POW camp where the Germans escaped at night and returned by daybreak. It was a topsy-turvy version of the 60s sitcom, “Hogan’s Heroes,” another favorite of my father’s. My father went on to serve in the CIA. “Beetle Bailey” debuted in 1950 when he was probably on his way to Guatemala.


It’s curious that my seemingly disciplined father was a steadfast fan of Beetle the slacker soldier whose eyes were always obscured by the lid of his cap or his helmet. He also frustrated his immediate superior Sargent Snorkel who often beat up Beetle until he collapsed into a set of squiggly lines on the page. Then there was the dimwitted elderly General Halftrack who leered at his buxom secretary not accidentally named Miss Buxley, Cookie the gruff cook whose food was inedible and Private Zero the clueless country bumpkin.

My father volunteered for the Navy in 1940, the day after he graduated from Yale. Three months later, he enrolled in Officer Candidate School in the Brooklyn Naval Yard. In the course of writing a memoir about my father, I sent away for his naval records and I discovered that he too had his Greek chorus of characters on a supply ship in the South Pacific theatre.

My father’s records surprisingly show that he was a willful officer. He had an aversion to acquiring new skills like learning to use a sextant and sometimes ignored orders. In many ways, he epitomized the stereotype of the Ninety-Day-Wonder. As the country ramped up to go to war, the government recruited college graduates, giving them three months to absorb what midshipmen in Annapolis or West Point had four years to learn. These untrained newcomers were derisively nicknamed Ninety-Day wonders for skipping ahead of the line to become officers.

My father also knew a man named “Cookie” on his supply ship. His cook, however, was an African-American named Ernie. My father was accused of disobeying a direct order when he stepped out of class and hierarchy, away from racism and inhumanity, to put his arm around Ernie. Ernie had just received news that his brother had been killed in action in Europe. My father, a 24-year-old lieutenant, called Cookie by his given name and removed his hat in a show of mourning. Technically out of uniform, my father wept with Ernie on the deck of their ship. Dad was disciplined and remanded to his quarters for 24 hours.

While the antics of Beetle Bailey, Sargent Snorkel and General Halftrack in Camp Swampy made my father laugh, I suspect he was also happy to meet Lieutenant Flap the African-American officer Walker introduced in 1970. I remember Lieutenant Flap well with his Afro and goatee. Though I was too young to articulate what a breath of fresh air he was, Flap’s opening line would not have been lost on my father: “How come there’s no blacks in this honkie outfit?!” My father might have wondered the same thing since he thought segregation was a terrible affliction on our country. “Stars and Stripes” promptly banned the comic strip, worried that it would ignite racial tensions. The result, however, was more readers.

At one point, the strip reached 200 million people and was featured in 1,800 newspapers. Beetle was known in more than 50 countries. He and his pals were merchandised in comic books, television cartoons and games and toys. In 2010 Beetle was featured on a United States Postal Service stamp.

Despite its wild popularity, in the 1980s readers protested Walker’s sexist depiction of Miss Buxley. In response, Walker briefly introduced a sexy tennis pro named Rolf who was equally lusted after by the women in the strip. But that did little to quell the controversy. And then something happened in the late 1990s. Walker read about rape in the military and told the media he was “sickened. I decided these jokes didn’t belong in the strip anymore.”

Walker’s epiphany happened at the same time my dad’s Parkinson’s disease had taken over his body. By then I read to him regularly and among his favorites was the volume of “Beetle Bailey” comic strips. I sat alongside him, turning pages and trying to gauge his reaction particularly when the army sent General Halftrack for sensitivity training. He was quiet for a bit and then teared up as if to say, “It’s about time things changed.”


The Harsh Face of Poverty

For three hours last Sunday, I was a 36-year-old man named Kris Knowles who lived in Missouri. I worked a dead-end job for minimum wage. I had an unemployed wife named Kaitlin, a disabled mother and a teenage daughter who could not hold down a part-time job. I was poor. And along with being poor I became increasingly overwhelmed, angry and humiliated. I waited in line a lot for various services. And when I made it to the front of a line the folks who were supposedly there to help me were not all that kind. It was a typical day in a long month of scrimping and clawing to survive paycheck-to-paycheck.

This simulation was not a game and there were no winners. It was the Combined Jewish Philanthropy’s Poverty Simulation—a pointed exercise in empathy in which my fellow participants and I struggled with the taxing reality of keeping the Knowles family afloat. To my surprise, the particulars of the simulation effectively mimicked an actual life of poverty.

Various tables were set up in the room to represent a bank, Kris’ place of employment, a check-cashing establishment that charged Kris a high percentage when he couldn’t get to the bank, or it was closed, a social services office, a center to collect utilities and pay the mortgage and a table tucked away in the corner of the room to get emergency vouchers when cash was short.

Things started to fall apart for the Knowles family shortly after the simulator began. The family barely lived from paycheck-to-paycheck and as the breadwinner in the family, I needed to work without interruption. During the first week—a period that for purposes of the simulation lasted 15 minutes—I was harshly turned away from work for tardiness. My lateness was compounded by the fact that I needed to take out a cash advance to pay for transportation.

Missing a paycheck for that week meant that the Knowles family would soon be drowning in debt. We netted approximately $1200 a month after taxes, and after our basics were paid we had just $336 left over. That was all the money we had for extras and even more alarmingly, emergencies.

As a member of the Knowles family, I quickly discovered there is no margin for error when you’re poor. Week two we had to decide between buying groceries and paying our utilities. Looming on the horizon was our mortgage, a car payment, purchasing prescriptions for my mother and charges for transportation vouchers. We were soon notified that our electricity and gas would be turned off. I was frustrated with Kaitlin who seemed to get little to nothing done while I was at my job. To keep the lights on she pawned some jewelry and the family stereo. All that did was increase our deprivation and spike our level of anxiety about whether or not we would end up in a homeless shelter.

In the meantime, our daughter’s part-time job was not working out. She couldn’t get to her job on time and for several weeks did not collect a paycheck that was a factor in the family’s finances. By week three the family was desperately missing my first paycheck as well as my daughter’s financial contribution. At this point, I was running from my job to the bank, with its inconvenient hours, and the cash-checking table. My frustration mounted as I stood in line worried that I would either be late for work again or unable to make a necessary household payment.

My wife became defensive when I told her that she needed to try harder to find a job. I raised my voice to my daughter whose excuses for missing work seemed more and more ridiculous. She claimed that her lost wages were the result of on-the-job discrimination. “Prove it,” I snapped at her. I then told my mother, who had suffered a stroke a few months back and was paralyzed on her left side that we had to sell her car to stave off homelessness. She was upset and accused me of robbing her of her independence. At this point I was so exhausted from making sure that I had my transportation covered to go to work that I almost told my mother she was becoming a burden.

Throughout the morning my “family” and I stayed in character. I noticed other couples also bickering. At one point the children next door were sent to juvenile hall after their parents failed to pick them up on time from school. Some people were incarcerated for various crimes including drug dealing. One family stayed out of the homeless shelter by doubling up with another family. But that had its set of social problems and frustrations.

The simulation happened over a couple of hours and after it was done, I was more dejected than relieved. There is living on a budget and then there is living on the edge of catastrophe. I went through a range of feelings during the simulation, but the one that stayed with me was vulnerability. A tape played over and over in my head—“There but for the grace of God go I.” It was no longer a well-worn cliché, but a deep and meaningful blessing.

A version of this essay appeared on